Releasing Survival Mode

Financial Mistakes and Real Time Hardships are not Personal Failures

As a licensed financial professional, I know is that money represents a lot of things, and it is rarely about dollars or coins in a bank account. In this day and age, it is a requirement for everyday living and as such has become a container for safety, concerns, and self-worth. And though the majority of people will agree that those things are not about money, that same majority will tell you that without money, stability is hard to maintain. That's why most people have jobs, and budgets-because without some type of sustainable structure, life gets really hectic really quickly.

Survival Mode doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it's overworking, undercharging, and avoiding your bank account. I didn't realize I was in survival mode until I tried to get out. Survival Mode isn't a weakness though, it's adaptation. And it's progressive. When our basic survival needs are not being met, humans tend to exhibit a certain pattern of behaviors: over-functioning (hustling with no rest, hyper-independence, the need to prove oneself), Avoidance (ignoring finances, avoiding difficult conversations, putting off important decisions), Rigid Control (decisions based on fear, panic spending, constant "what if" thinking), and finally, Identity Collapse (when you equate your worth to how productive you are, and when falling behind equates to self shame)

But survival mode is easy to miss because it makes sense in the beginning. It's a slow progression. Somewhere in the mix of "making ends meet" and "getting through this", that pattern of behaviors take over, and that train of thought that helps you survive a difficult time becomes base-level thinking when it was never meant to be permanent.

In 2017 I was diagnosed with an invisible illness. I was really devastated because so much of my life required change. Even though I knew I couldn't keep up with the pace that I had set, I was so afraid that if I slowed down everything would fall apart. And, no matter how hard I tried, as everything shifted, nothing remained the same. I moved across state lines...twice, the Pandemic happened...and everything shut down, and my circumstances seemed to get more and more out of my control.

I remember trying to hold on so tightly-to my goals, my plans, everything really. And when the dust finally cleared, the reality of rebuilding was just so overwhelming! For me it wasn't even about restarting-because if I have done a thing once, I know I can do it again. No, the overwhelm, for me was in making sure it wouldn't all disappear again if anything ever happened!

I pushed myself so hard to meet standards that even some of my peers warned were a little unrealistic. I worked so hard at overcoming every set-back. That's what I told myself in those moments, but in retrospect, I was punishing myself for going through a hard time.

I put so much pressure on "fixing myself" and "being disciplined" in my decisions. I worked all around the clock, thinking that if I could just utilize all my talents and skills I would get through it faster. When I would hit a roadblock I would work even harder thinking I needed to get over my laziness or prove to myself that I wasn't incapable.

It wasn't that I was too proud to ask for help, I just needed to bypass this idea that I was falling short.

And I remember thinking, even in the times when help was offered, that I couldn't depend on anyone else because some unknown thing (anything) could happen, and then I would get set back even further. Even though I had experienced so much in such a short amount of time, I just could not get over how "behind" I was. And I would get so ashamed of myself. And then that cycle would restart. Hustle-Avoid-Control-Collapse. Tiring.

There was no advice, no matter how solid, that could help me break free. So I started journaling. Because one thing I did notice, was that all of my scattered thinking kept leading me to the same frantic place - not knowing what to do next. So I started asking myself different questions. About what I really wanted from life, and about what was so scary about building something new. I was tired of scrambling, so why was I trying to bounce back? Didn't I really want to move forward? If I could really create the life I wanted, how would it align with the wisdom that I've gained and the vision that I seek? What is truly realistic, and how does it balance?

And that made me breathe again. Because, actually, I was okay. I didn't need more discipline. Or proof. I needed to check in. The "slow-down" that I was so afraid of was never about a change in speed, it was always about a shift in alignment. I needed to be intentional about creating the life I desire, instead of hurrying to get out of the slump I was in. And then one day I realized, that the decisions I was making with that intentional thinking, had created regular habits that actually put me in safe spaces where I could learn and grow. And I've never felt more confident when stepping into the newness of whatever comes next. Because there is no urgency, when alignment is the priority.

Building something valuable takes time. And going through a rough patch does not indicate failure at life. One thing that season taught me, is that if there was anything to get back to, it is operating from a place of trust. I make very intentional and well thought out decisions, and I trust that the results of those decisions will align me with where I want to be in life, or show me the proper adjustments to make. I'm not afraid of losing things anymore, because I look forward to receiving what is for me. Ease-Alignment-Peace.

The thing that helped me was not some made-for-all 30-day re-adjustment hack. It was not a strict routine or a more intense plan. It was awareness. It was asking better questions. It was understanding my relationship with self-worth and money. The transition came with reflection and my determination to build something that was not based in fear or created from a mindset of scarcity. So I'm sharing my journal, because I want that for you too! You might be in a place where your life has taken an unknown turn, and you feel as though you desperately need to recalibrate. You may have already done that work, but still find yourself in a place where rebuilding feels similar to struggling, or where slowing down feels too close to giving up. Survival mode doesn't have to be the standard. And rebuilding is not proof of failure. Maybe this journal will support you the way it supported me.